Maybe we REALLY did learn everything we need to know in Kindergarten…

This past week was the first week of summer vacation for my 2 youngest boys.  My middle son is leaving elementary school and will entering the scary world of middle school.  My youngest just finished kindergarten.  Besides the normal thoughts most parents have of time flying by and their babies growing up, I found myself this week reflecting on my boys and asking myself. “When do we start to care what people think?”

Ethan is 10 going on 17.  Sports and ESPN have replaced SpongeBob and Nickelodeon. (There is a GOD!)  School has become a social event and unfortunately the classroom is his stage.  But also, all of a sudden he is very aware of what others think.  “Dad I don’t want to wear this batman bathing suit, it is embarrassing.”  His haircut matters, his clothes matter, and what he says and what he does, all of a sudden matter.

 Now, take my Luke.  Luke simply doesn’t care.  (See picture)  Luke is only being himself.  He doesn’t have a single thought about what people might say about what we wears, or does, or says.  For example, while shaking hands with the opponents in soccer, Luke went through the line saying “Bad Game, Bad Game” When I talked to him about not doing that and that it is bad sportsmanship his response was very truthful… “Dad, we crushed them, they did play bad” I love his free spirit and his personality.  But when and why does that change?

Holly and I were talking about this and what kind of world this would be if we all lost that social filters.  Completely open and completely genuine.  My guess is divorce rates would go way down, anxiety would be reduced, and overall people would be a lot happier and a lot more productive.

This is true especially in my business.  I often joke with people that if you ever need people to leave your cocktail party, I’m your guy.  I could just walk around and tell people I sell life insurance.  The room is guaranteed to empty quick!

 So, for most of us, we come up with a different job description.  Something a little more glamorous, a little more exciting, but mainly a little more socially acceptable.  I don’t understand why?  Selling life insurance is one of  the means, but it is not the “end”.

I have a client that I have known for over 20 years.  He is close to retirement but we have become pretty good friends over the years despite the age difference. A couple of weeks ago he called me with bad news, he has brain cancer.  I went and met with him and after a couple of minutes catching up, he said “DJ, I need you to tell me the truth, what should I do?”

At the time, I took that as he just didn’t want to hear any fancy sales pitch, but after about two hours of talking, I realized that was not what he meant.  As I was leaving, he grabbed me, put his arm around my neck, and said, “DJ I mean it, no matter how hard it is to say, tell me the truth, tell me what to do, and take care of my wife and daughter.”  This was one of the toughest, bravest men I have ever met and now he was scared, worried, and counting on me.

What an unbelievable responsibility.  But what a great job I have.  How many more people could I have helped if I was more like Luke though?

We teach our kids so many things, hopefully, so many positive things.  But if you pay attention, they can teach you some things to.  I love seeing Ethan grow up and I am very proud of the person he is becoming.  I will feel the same way about Luke.  But I hope Luke doesn’t change.  I hope he stays as free spirited as he is now, and I hope that we can all learn from him. 

After all, he learned it in kindergarten. .

Fathers and Sons on Father's Day

This weekend is Father’s Day and it has always brought mixed emotions for me.  Don’t get me wrong, my wife and kids have always done a great job of making me feel that this day was a “special day” and this year was no exception.  In fact, my sweet Lukie, who sometimes is confused with the days, awakened every morning since Thursday running to give me a hug screaming HAPPY FATHER’S DAY.  Regardless of the day, it was a great present from him to me.  But I am also a son, who has not had a father for the past 15 Father’s Days.

Fifteen years.  That means that my Dad never met Holly.  He never met Vance.  He was not there to be my best man at my wedding.  He was not there when Ethan and Luke were born.  He has not been there when I had questions about being a husband or a father and could use some advice.  That saddens me, not just for me, but also for my sons who do not have a grandfather to enjoy.  I am sad he never met Holly.  I think Holly would have really enjoyed his sense of humor.

So while the moms and kids should all be doing something nice for the fathers in their lives today, I also challenge the fathers to do some reflecting of their own.  A couple of years ago, while cleaning my mom’s attic, I came across one of these gifts from the school store that either Mark or I got one time for my Dad.  It was a piece of wood with a saying painted on it that read, “ Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad.” Very true, but from my perspective, being a Dad is a special  job.

There is a well known country song whose chorus goes “Yeah, we’re just alike hey ain’t we Dad. I wanna do everything you do, So I’ve been watching you”  What a tremendous responsibility we have as fathers, particularly, fathers with sons as I am with 3, in shaping the lives of our children.  One of the greatest lessons that my Dad ever told me, long before I was ever married, was that the best gift I could ever give my children was to love and respect their Mother.  The lessons that we learn from our fathers, both spoken and unspoken, do shape our lives. 

My Dad lived his whole life with a heart condition that made him different, “handicapped.”  The doctors told my grandparents he would not live past 5 years old.  And yet he lived his life without any excuses.  Not once did I ever hear him complain about “his condition” or give excuses to not do something.  He gave 100% effort in everything that he did even though his body could only give about 50% of what everyone else could give.

There is a downside though however.  My Mom has been a widow since she was 48 for the last 16 years.  My brother, sister, and I lost our father before we were 25 years old.  Because of his health, there was no life insurance when he died and my mother struggled for years and years with a 15 year old daughter, a mortgage, debt, and only one income.  It certainly was not my Dad’s fault that he did not have life insurance, but I wonder what our feelings would be if he had a choice, and chose not to have life insurance because it was too expensive.  What lesson would that have taught us?

Celebrate and thank your Dad’s this weekend.  It is true that anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a Dad.  But, for the father’s, please remember that being a Dad is special and carries a lot of responsibilities.  We play such an important role in not only our immediate family, but the lessons we teach and leave behind will play a role in our children’s family as well and perhaps, on and on.  Because they are watching you, and for better or worse, you are giving them lessons.

39 and not holding

This has been a very interesting week.  June 4^th was my 39^th birthday.  For some reason, I was taking this birthday a little harder than the others.  Being 39, I began to reflect on all the things that I always thought I would’ve done or things that I would possess or achieved by 40.  Then, I realized it is probably not going to happen.  I was sad realizing that after two days of yard work and building a rock landscaping wall meant five days of walking around sore.  It was a shot of reality when I was playing church softball and a ground ball up the middle went into centerfield instead of my glove for an out like it would have in the past.  I had the troublesome thought of our retirement accounts and savings. Are we doing enough? Getting older sucks and the old saying “it is better than the alternative” never really did it for me.

Before you think that I am speeding for a midlife crisis, let me assure you I am not.  For one, I am not really into cars.  I do not need a convertible and my wife already looks in her 20’s, I am good there too.  But two things happened this weekend that also changed my outlook and mood on getting older.  First, Saturday I spent the day doing something I absolutely love, watching my sons play sports. While I was cheering, yelling and rooting for my kids playing soccer, across the parking lot another father was umpiring a softball tournament and fell out on the field.  Sadly, he did not make it.  I did not know him or his family, but certainly my thoughts and prayers go out to them.  It was a shocking wake up call for me.  Even though I am in the business of life insurance and talk about it everyday, it was still a hard blow to realize how short and precious life is.  Tomorrow is promised to no one and in a moment it can be gone.

Ironically, the second thing that changed my perspective about my birthday was a conversation I had with my wife the night before Saturday’s games.  As I was whining about getting older and feeling depressed about everything I have not done, she stopped me and said, “Enough, look at everything you do have. You have done well and you are blessed.”  That is a truth I needed to be reminded of.

So while this birthday was not filled with a big party or a night out on the town like in the past, it was exactly what I needed.  Getting older meant I get to go play golf for my birthday with my 10-year-old son.  It meant I got to watch my sons run around the soccer field while I sat with their beautiful mother.

Sunday night, while I looked out the back window at my three sons playing in the backyard and my wife sitting in the family room, a sense of fulfillment came over me.  I have been blessed in my 39 years and I am doing okay and life is too short to worry about it anyway.

I then stayed up until 1am playing video games because it was the last year until I am old.

Remembrance

Once again this weekend we celebrate the memories of those who have died while serving our nation.  

Memorial Day, originally called Decoration Day, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in our nation's service. There are many stories as to its actual beginnings, with over two dozen cities and towns laying claim to being the birthplace of Memorial Day. While Waterloo N.Y. was officially declared the birthplace of Memorial Day by President Lyndon Johnson in May 1966, it's difficult to prove conclusively the origins of the day. It is not important who was the very first, what is important is that Memorial Day was established. Memorial Day is not about division. It is about reconciliation; it is about coming together to honor those who gave their all. 

By 1890 it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the holiday changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war). It is now celebrated in almost every State on the last Monday in May, passed by Congress with the National Holiday Act of 1971.

As Americans, Memorial Day is also celebrated for another reason.  It has come to be known as the unofficial start of summer.  It has transformed into a long three day weekend to kick off the summer season.  Soon families will be packing up for their beach week, Disney World, and other exciting or relaxing vacations.  I, myself am very excited about my own family vacation later in the season. 

It is suspected that most families spend more time planning their summer vacation than they spend planning for their retirement.  In April, LIMRA, Life Insurance Market and Research Association,  completed a survey intended to focus on the savings and investment preferences of those living and working in the United States.  LIMRA was able to determine that 49 percent of the country is not saving for retirement. Additionally, more than half of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34, at 56 percent, are not saving for retirement.  The Trends in Life Insurance Ownership study, conducted every six years by LIMRA, found that only 44 percent of U.S. households have individual life insurance. The number of U.S. households that have no life insurance whatsoever is growing. Today, 30 percent of households (35 million) have no life insurance coverage, compared to 22 percent of households in 2004. Among households with children under age 18, which arguably have the greatest need for life insurance, 11 million have no coverage. 

It is my hope that everyone has a great, exciting weekend.  I hope that when you return from your long weekend, you will ensure that your financial house is in order.  New York Life has been doing that for 167 years and they do it better than anyone.  On this Memorial Day weekend, ensure that your loved one’s memories of you are not clouded with the emotional stress of financial crisis.